Working a full time job, raising two daughters, attempting to have a social life, trying to make my family proud, and trying to make myself proud are things I do every day. I'm now beginning my journey of giving. This is step one.
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Hello my friends. Today is a really sad day. The world lost an incredible soul. My friend Corey passed away last night and my heart hurts so badly the only thing I could think to do is share a piece of him with you. I can't even express how much I miss him already. Please don't lose sight of what's important in life. All of our days are numbered. The following words are HIS:
Just Some Random Thoughts and RamblingsMENU AND WIDGETS
My thoughts on True Love
To those of you that read all of this, I applaud you, and thank you very much. . This is my opinion and nothing says that I am even a little bit right. If you disagree, welcome. There are exceptions to everything! So, enjoy this EXTREMELY long read, and if you take something away from it that may benefit you, GREAT!
True love…., ‘if we could just find it…’ NEWS FLASH…True love -it’s not found, it’s created, one block at a time. We may ‘fall’ into a new and lustful love and attraction lasting for weeks and even months. But let’s be real, it’s fleeting. It’s chemistry. It’s Oxytocin. It’s honeymoon phases. IT doesn’t last forever.
But why NOT?
Well, first let me tell you how I define ‘true love.’ It is resilient long-lasting love. It is forgiving. It is raw. It is true, honest, and loyal. It is thoughtful and it is stimulating. And like a tree, it is flexible, always growing, and changing with the seasons. But, MOST IMPORTANTLY, IT IS AN ACTION. IT IS A DECISION! The disillusionment sets in and it’s becomes time to make a choice on whether to continue or not. And if you do want it, it’s going to take great care.
Now, don’t get me wrong, non-long lasting loves can also be quite inspiring and stimulating as well. A summer fling that drops quicker than the temperature can still be considered months, years, or decades later to be very fulfilling and satisfying.
So, why does it fade? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?
Well, that beautiful young budding tree of a relationship is still sitting in a pot in the front yard of a house on the coast. There are a few things that keep that tree looking great temporarily. Moist, fertilized soil in the pot keeps that tree alive for weeks. Much like initial attraction, the interest that has him talking for hours, the comfort of the other person, and the connection we share with one another hold us together and make us believe we’ve really got something here. And this is especially delicate at this point. Not taking much to make it die out, but also not taking much to make us want to grow it more. Eventually, we outgrow our pot, or we run out of nutrients in the soil, or we run out of water, or we encounter outside forces, sometimes hurricane-force winds, sometimes through no fault of our own, that devastate our relationship.
Because we never planted the tree. We never took it out of the pot. We never gave it a strong foundation. We never gave it a chance.
SO, WHAT SHOULD I HAVE DONE?
1st) Start with a strong foundation. The ground that you put your tree into should be whole and healthy soil. You’ve got to have yourself figured out to some degree. You’ve got to have a real and honest love for yourself. Find your purpose, your passions, and your peace of mind. In your solitude, find yourself, your happiness, your love for you. People take on a relationship and use that relationship, unknowingly, to fill the voids that they have in their own self love. So that relationship ends up not being built with a strong foundation. It’s got the wrong foundation. An oak tree isn’t going to survive long in a dry sandbox. It may make it a great few months. But without having a strong foundation, all of the pressures, false pretenses of what our relationship is supposed to be, and the selfish and biased beliefs of what true love is makes the overbearing weight of those things and everything else that encompasses the unfounded relationship to cause it to become barren, wilt, and split, and die. Sure, some may still resemble a relationship, and may even look great from the outside, but it may be dysfunctional, hollow, or and dead from the inside out…certain to not weather the storms encountered in a long lasting love. We encounter people like this all day long. Don’t allow yourself to be a slave to the relationship by being robbed of the essential freedoms of being yourself, the freedom to love another through your own choices (and not a need for dependency), the freedom to give, work, and serve by your own choice, and the freedom to leave a situation that you should otherwise not be in. SO GET YOURSELF RIGHT. The same goes for your partner. No one needs a white knight, a rescuer, in a relationship. You shouldn’t be establishing roles that resemble anything like a hero and victim. Because eventually one or the other of you will become a villain.
So this soil is a unique mixture of you, and everything that includes ->Your struggles, challenges, achievements, dreams, and personal growth. The great part about this analogy is that you get to choose whether you let these things poison your soil or enrich it. Hopefully, you will both choose the latter and let any adversities you’ve faced only make you and your relationship that much more resilient. Self-actualization is not done on our own. It often takes a partner. And being real and present in that relationship is part of being a partner. Deception with another person is bad enough, but to be dishonest with yourself will haunt you for an even longer time. Imagine for a second if you love yourself completely and as honestly as possible. And you show that through your relationship. You are open and you are honest. When you encompass these two traits, you are going to be less likely to feel that you can’t speak. You won’t feel guilty for explaining how you feel. You won’t feel like you’re backed into a corner with no where to turn. SPEAK UP. Speak out. Speak kindly. Speak honestly. Speak authentically. Speak with integrity. Speak with love. Be yourself and BE what you speak. The same goes for our partner, imagine what kind of love can grow with such a strong foundation and rich soil. But often, that’s not what happens. People change. They are supposed to. That’s what they do, they evolve. People grow apart. People fall victim to their own egos, their own delusional self-importance and fail as a friend, a partner, a lover, and do not give their partner the attention and consideration they deserve. Make sure though that you don’t let your ‘what if’s’ spoil your ‘what is.’
2nd) When you first plant a tree from the pot into the yard, you don’t strip the tree of the soil in the pot, the water in the branches, or the chlorophyll and other nutrients from the leaves. You mix it into what is already established. The same goes for a relationship. It doesn’t just start overnight. At least not a successful one, typically. So, how do you mix someone new into what is already established ground? SLOWLY, and probably the most easily-through a friendship. So before or during your initial courtship, you’re learning about each other. Perhaps just talking for hours, but generally just becoming more comfortable with each other and establishing that emotional connection. Explore each other (NOT sexually), but by exploring each others interests, emotions, world views, opinions, expectations, etc., and eventually the possibilities of pursuing a relationship and/or future together. That’s the great thing about establishing a friendship first. It bridges together your personalities, your likes, dislikes, your experiences, etc…to help establish that friendship and develop that strong foundation for a future. This is when you start to create those roots that can eventually connect you to the deepest levels of each other, where you are wide open and vulnerable emotionally. THIS TAKES TIME. It is NOT meant to happen overnight, or even over a few days or short weeks. It takes time. But boy the way it makes us feel. We believe we have never felt such a connection with someone before, even though, we actually have with others. We would rather believe that what we are experiencing now though, can not be imitated or replaced, not even for a brief moment.
3rd) Now some of you may disagree with me here, and that’s okay. Remember, it’s just my opinion. You’ve got to create a sexual intimacy. Now, whether you choose to be abstinent until marriage or something similar, you should still have some kind of sexual attraction to your partner. It’s what attracts the bees to the flowers on the tree. There is really no need to elaborate on this. But, I will say that the foundation below this icing on the cake is what really makes this especially hot. The coals and embers from the solid foundation make way for the sparks, the sea of flames, and the heat to keep the kindling burning in the relationship of a real long-lasting love. And it is those trees planted in rich soil, dampened with nutrient rich water, and properly trimmed to be exponentially higher at yielding a great fruit. Also, know that your sexual desire is NOT your partner’s fault, responsibility, or problem. It’s yours. That desire can come and go, but it’s yours to find ways to grow and
4) Have restraint. You can overfeed, over-water, or over supplement your tree. We can do the same thing by not being patient. We take off with this overwhelmingly joyous feeling we get from our partner, ready to marry and start a family before we have any roots to hold us steady when we face inevitable stormy weather.
5) Continue to nourish and cultivate your tree of love. When a relationship is brand new, you’re all in, giving it all you’ve got. So keep it up, month after month, year after year. Treat the relationship like you’ve just planted it, making sure it’s got everything it needs and you’ll likely find you’re thriving and growing closer as time goes on. You’ve committed yourself this far, why quit once things are comfortable? DON’T QUIT. Just because you’ve supported this love to fruition doesn’t mean it is incapable of dying. Be supportive and be specific. You have to keep your communication level paramount. Remember that every time you communicate in your relationship, it is an attempt by either or both partners at affirmation, emotional connections, attention, and even to feed our own confidence. By feeding your partners wishes for understanding and shared emotions, you create so much more depth, more connection, more roots that will have a stronghold on your relationship. So FEED each other. WATER each other. And at times, TRIM each other. Keep each other in check with honesty. Don’t let your negative emotions – anger, jealousy, pain, spite, lonesomeness, confusion, or fear determine your decisions. By not being overwhelmed with our negative emotions, we allow ourselves to behave and believe in a positive outcome. Help your partner break down their barriers. Be their rock, be their support.
MY FINAL WORDS)
In relationships and friendships, why don’t we understand that it is more than just what you see and feel. A true love for another person should be a fight through the unknown, and through the uncertainty. Instead, we want something substantial and dreamlike to sweep us away from our own life and be something beautifully crafted in the clouds of our own experiences, concerns, and ideals. You need a commitment. Full commitment, not half-assed commitment. When we only half ass something, we end up questioning ourselves and our abilities. And by not being all in, it leaves so much room for crap to fill in the in-betweens, the maybes, the kindas, and the ‘well, next time I’ll do betters.’
What happened to those willing to fight for something real and true? What happened to people willing to take chances and take risks in what otherwise seemed like an impossible situation or one that can’t even be imagined? Isn’t there still anyone out there willing to love and fight through thick and thin for something real, something true, when it seemed as though all chances of connecting and communicating on a deeper level had been lost? Being true to yourself and selfless for another really isn’t that hard. It just takes some awareness and motivation. In the end, we will hopefully all find that this true love is not just a feeling, but is a state of being that gives and receives when it is in the right place. It is your choice. Will you love another imperfect human, not in spite of their flaws, but because of them? Because you want to grow with them, you want to grow through them, unifying your bond and building the stonework for your own great pyramid of long lasting love. Will you allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to allow someone else in to see all of you? To be loved for all of your flaws, because of your flaws, and everything else that encompasses what makes you YOU? Why keep someone from seeing the raw and real you when they only have the best of intentions for you?
With all of these different types of relationships, we begin to realize that the other party, including ourselves, are in fact, human. Thus we are fallible, we are human, WE WILL cause hurt or be hurt in one way or another. But giving wholly to another opens you up to being hurt and someone else giving their 100% to you opens them up to hurt. This is true vulnerability. The key though is not only KNOWING that you will hurt/be hurt, but TRUSTING the other to be totally committed to the goals of that relationship. This is where our self preservation comes into play. We may give and give, putting forth 100% of mind, body, and spirit, but often we end up with less than 100% in return. Repetitively giving without receiving leads us to tuck away little bits of ourselves over time. THIS IS NORMAL. It is not selfishness, it is a way to protect ourselves emotionally, mentally, and spiritually…Remember that it is not your partner’s responsibility to meet your needs. That’s your responsibility. Now, obviously, some things that you need will come from your partner, but those need to be communicated.
Also, is it THAT crazy to think of loving everyone in the world, on a different level obviously? To show love to those around you, even if they are, like you, flawed in some way? Remember with you brother, your uncle, or your mother, you don’t have to like them to love them. Can’t we show love to everyone, and still not have to like them all? Isn’t THAT at least worth a shot? With any relationship in your life, but especially one with whom you want a ‘real’ partnership, remember to keep it simple. Be empathetic, be mindful, be vulnerable and honest. Do your best to connect with them on an emotional level and stay connected. And don’t forget to always remember the best of your partner. Build them up, not down. And don’t stand for one that may make you feel less than anything but…There’s a reason you found yourself where you are in your relationship. You can either be playing high in the tree or chopping down what once could have been something great. If you need some pruning, some replanting, some fertilizer, then get after it. You’ve got the power to change things for yourself, for each other, for you together. And I’ll end it with this right here: ‘If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.’ Now, go get what you want. If you want love, give it! Just because you’re in a committed relationship or marriage, your partner doesn’t have to love you. That unconditional love your parents have for you, you don’t have that with your partner! You have to earn each other’s love whether today, tomorrow, or 75 years in. Go give it all you’ve got and enjoy what all you receive in return. Know that you’re going to face uncertainties throughout your life but knowing what you want and who you want it with make it all worth fighting for. Your soulmate isn’t found. It’s someone that you’ve helped to build up that wants to make it work with you. There is no flawless relationship. But keeping the focus on what is right instead of what is wrong is what will work. Wherever you put your focus is what becomes the strongest feelings. So committing to working on the relationship DAILY is what will create that true love we all desire before you even realized that you’ve created it. Remember how important all those little things are, and make them happen. Make sure you’re pulling your weight, because you really don’t want to have to look back and wonder if you were. It will fill you with regret. Do what it takes to weather the storms. Grow your knowledge, affection, and action, and carve out time for one another. Listen. Be thoughtful, present, conscious, mindful, and stimulating of body, mind, and spirit. Before you know, you’ll have one of the most magnificent trees of life and love that hopefully will inspire others for generations and when the world tries it’s best to uproot you, it simply can’t.
Wishing You All the Best,
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There is someone in my life who is supposed to love me more than anyone else. He is supposed to be the one who shows me what I should be looking for. He should be the one I can go to for anything, especially reassurance and consistency. He is my father, and he is nothing I want him to be. As much as it hurts me to admit this, the opportunity I was given to be real with you is why I began this journey. My father has given me memory upon memory of broken promises and lies. Like it was yesterday, I remember calling him as a child to spend time with him and never getting a call back. As an adult there have been missed calls and time spent elsewhere. There have been excuses and placed blame; but most of all, there has been unsurpassed hurt.
I've gone through a lot in my life just trying to decipher why it was that my father "didn't want me", but like I told you in "People Suck but so do Expectations" you can't tell yourself stories just based on your feelings. Recognize that those are your feelings and work through them, but you can't stand in their shoes and shout obscenities at yourself. I had to look at my father's actions and try to understand them as best I could. I had to look at the pain he's lived and try to understand his thought process. This is what I try to do with everyone (mind you, I'm far from perfecting the consistency but I'm trying) and it's allowed me the space and strength to decide who I want in my space. I have grown to a point in my womanhood where I'm no longer afraid of how someone will perceive me if I don't want to give them my energy.
Over the years I've cut off friends and family alike who I knew were not going in the same direction I am. I've become much more comfortable speaking about what I don't like and won't allow. Sometimes my delivery is a bit off, but I'm working on that as well with the help of a good friend. What I hadn't done, though, until just recently is decide that those boundaries have no boundaries. If I'm going to voice what I'm not willing to accept in my space from one person, what does that tell another person who violates those boundaries if I refuse to make the same stand against them? I wasn't strong enough to do it. More importantly, I wasn't mature and self-aware enough to express my feelings in a tactful way. I was too emotionally driven and I wasn't using my mind. I wasn't coming from a place of love, and so it just wasn't time.
This year I found that space. I found my voice that I was sure I had but hadn't discovered yet. I drew a line in the sand with love from a distance and conviction. I told my father that our relationship was not a healthy one and I refuse to be a part of it any longer until it is going in a healthy direction. My heart was broken. I cried. But I knew I had done the right thing. I told my father that I loved him and I hoped he would invite me to counseling to work on our relationship. I told him he hurt me. I told him he FORGOT MY BIRTHDAY. I told him he had broken his first promise to my daughters, and I refuse to allow them the same memories I have of him. I told him I was no longer interested in having a relationship with him just to have one. His response was negativity and false blame. It was only my confirmation that I had done the right thing. Keep in mind, though, I never disrespected him. He's still my father, and the only one I'll ever have and I have no right to disrespect him. I do, on the other hand, have the right to choose what I allow in my own life.
My goodness, I can't explain the feeling in the pit of my stomach when I cried after that exchange. I mean, I had known for some time through other experiences that people will let you down. I already knew to believe people when they showed me who they are, but this was a new world to me. Then it hit me that every relationship I had ended in my life up until that point was all for a reason. Every decision I purposely made to stop giving someone my energy was another piece of the puzzle that would eventually tell me that everyone I've ever come across was exactly what I needed at that time. All of the poor decisions I made in regard to friends or lovers until then had validated in some way that everyone is a lesson. Each hurtful experience was meant to get me across the finish line of this lesson.
People are not what you want them to be just because that's what you want them to be. They are exactly what you need when you need it. The good, the bad, the indifferent - it's all meant to reinforce independence and self-love. It's all meant to allow us to accept others for who they are even if that means they are not meant to be in our lives. We are more resilient than we think. We are stronger than we think. We just have to believe in ourselves and be willing to make the tough decisions. We have to stand our ground and turn every negative experience into a positive lesson. Set boundaries and honor them with EVERYONE. Respect yourself enough to say no and walk away - sometimes forever.
I believe in you, my beautiful people. I believe in myself.
~until next time
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Just a quick reminder, my friends:
Always speak your truth. Even when it's hurtful, speak your truth.
~until next time
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Well, guys, I haven't been able to come up with another phone number to text that I get a response from. I've tried multiple and haven't heard back from any of them.
Can you help me? Go to the contact page and send me an email with a phone number you want me to try. Keep in mind, please, that this must be a random set of numbers and not anyone you actually know.
Thanks in advance, my lovely people.
~until next time
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There have been times in my life when I've had expectations about things that were honest and endearing, but just not realistic. I try to keep my feelings in check, but I know myself well enough to know that when I feel something, I feel very strongly very quickly - sometimes to a fault. I try to be as open as possible, but I end up making myself more vulnerable than I intended, and I'm the one left wanting in the end. I promised myself after a situation a while back that I would be more careful about who I invested my energy in; and when it comes to friends and acquaintances I've done a great job. I seem to have been wholly unsuccessful, though, in terms of attractions to the opposite sex.
I want you all to know that having feelings is a good thing. You can't go through life with a chip on your shoulder pretending nothing can get under your skin. You can't lie to yourself either, though. It's extremely important that you're honest with yourself and understand what your feelings mean, and if they are healthy for you. You can find yourself in a position that leaves you feeling more alone and underappreciated than ever before. When that happens you need to drill into your head that you ARE enough. You are becoming a better version of yourself every day and you deserve to be happy.
No matter what the situation is, no matter what the feelings are that you're struggling with, never forget you are the only person who can control how another person's actions land on you. You can't always control how you feel initially, or even after a while, but you can work through it. You can be the one who decides what to carry with you and what to let go of. You don't have to feel rejected because that's just not reality - it's a story you've told yourself based on how you feel and what you've expressed to someone else.
Don't tell yourself stories, my lovely people. Live in what you know about yourself, and leave the rest up to the universe. If someone wants your time and energy, they will show you. If they don't, they don't deserve you anyway. Stay strong and be you. Never be afraid to be by yourself, and never take that time alone for granted.
~until next time
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Hello again, my friends. I want to tell you a story about something that happened to me recently, and I think it's really just amazing. So I don't think I've shared with you that I've begun my search for my youngest brother, Marcquise. He was taken from his mother at birth, and my father missed the opportunity to take custody of him. I've only ever seen my brother once, when he was two, at a state facility which was designated for my father's visitation at the time. He wore glasses, and I was told he suffered from seizures because his mother did drugs when she was pregnant. He was the sweetest little thing, and I never got another chance to spend time with him. I was living in Texas at the time, and when I returned to visit my family in New Jersey, I was told that he had been adopted by another family. That was the last I heard of him, although I have never stopped thinking of him. I've wondered over the years if he knows he has siblings, and if he knows how much we love him. I wonder if he knows he has a brother who passed away. I wonder if he even knows he's adopted. I made a choice to wait to search for him because I was afraid of the feedback I would get. I don't know what the situation was with my father, or if Marcquise's adoptive family wants him to know anything about where he came from. I was afraid if I reached out I would upset his life, and being a young person in today's time is hard enough.
After a conversation with my uncle, though, I realized life is far too short to take days for granted. I don't know how much time we have left in this life, and I don't want to waste them being afraid - so I started looking. Going online to search adoption records is really no help because I have zero information about his mother or where he was born or when. I think he's somewhere around 15 or 16 years old now, but I truly have no idea, and my father isn't any help when I ask for more information. With that being said, I took to social media. I searched for just his first name since I have no clue what his last name would be, and I just started looking at the pictures for all of the people who came up in my search.
I came across a picture of a young man who looks like he could possibly be related to me (I also have no idea what my brother's mother looks like), so I sent him a message. I'm sure it sounded really strange, but I basically said I've been looking for my younger brother and your features look sort of similar to my father's so could it be possible that you are who I'm searching for? Now people, when I tell you I was a nervous wreck until he responded, I am not kidding. The next day I saw that he had read my message, but still had not replied, so I reached out again with I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm sort of losing it; please tell me if there's any possibility you're my brother. Long story short, he's not my brother, but check this out:
Once we started talking, I learned he had actually been searching for his older sister for eight years before she finally found him instead. We both have similar relationships with our fathers, and our mothers are our best friends. The more we talked, it was insane how much we have in common to be complete strangers with two very different backgrounds. He doesn't like coffee (yea, that's a dead giveaway that we're not related), and I don't like chicken wings (apparently that classifies me as not Black). He's got a great sense of humor, and now I've found a new friend. We've made plans to hang out together, and I think we're going to have an amazing time.
I said all that to say: you truly never know another person's story until you ask. You never know what someone has gone through until you share what you're going through. You can't expand your life and your mind if you never make a connection with a perfect stranger, and you truly can't judge a book by its cover. I'm thankful for this new story, and I will continue to search for my brother. The universe will bring us together.
Oh, update on my 29th year outreach idea:
I've texted multiple numbers, but I don't think any of them were actual cell phone numbers; I haven't gotten any more replies. I'm not giving up, though! I'm going to keep trying, and I'll keep you updated on my progress.
Thank you again for all of your support, and I will be back soon with more for you. Stay strong my friends, and remember you are much more resilient than you think. You can get through absolutely anything if you put your mind to it and be objective. Learn the lesson and apply it to future situations. Realize everything happens for a reason, and it happens exactly the way it's supposed to. Make good decisions, and spread love.
~until next time
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Hey there, Peeps. I've got a crazy story to tell you! Stay tuned for tonight. I'll be explaining it all when I get to my mom's. You won't want to miss this.
The world is really a small place, and you never know what you'll find just by making a connection with another human being.
~until next time